Acting Audition Monologues
(for incoming students and COMP)
The Committee by Brian Dykstra (female role)
The arts committee. Their stupid, dumb-face arts committee happened. This corporate, racist, slime ball organization has an arts committee. An internal arts committee headed by MBAs who maybe took a couple drawing classes and thought they wanted to minor in art history or appreciation in undergraduate school at some second-rate state university in Southern California. It's made up of entry-level corporate lawyers who think the more committees they volunteer for, the better chance they'll have of surviving into the third year of their contract, when the real money kicks in. And they warned me. They did warn me about this arts committee.
The arts committee. Their stupid, dumb-face arts committee happened. This corporate, racist, slime ball organization has an arts committee. An internal arts committee headed by MBAs who maybe took a couple drawing classes and thought they wanted to minor in art history or appreciation in undergraduate school at some second-rate state university in Southern California. It's made up of entry-level corporate lawyers who think the more committees they volunteer for, the better chance they'll have of surviving into the third year of their contract, when the real money kicks in. And they warned me. They did warn me about this arts committee.
Gap by Carol Lashof (male role)
It's not that I don't try to do my homework. I come straight home from school. I mean, what else would I do? I don't like "extracurricular activities" and I don't like "hanging out with guys" and I for sure don't have a girlfriend. So I come home. And I don't watch TV because TV is stupid. I just sit right down at the dining table and I take out my books and sharpen my pencils and I look at the list of things I have to do and I think, this isn't so bad, what's the big deal? And I think, today will be the day when I finish my homework on time, I'll even finish it before my parents get home, and they won't yell at me and I won't be stressed out, and after dinner I'll listen to some maybe John Coltrane or Santana and I'll go to bed at ten tomorrow.
It's not that I don't try to do my homework. I come straight home from school. I mean, what else would I do? I don't like "extracurricular activities" and I don't like "hanging out with guys" and I for sure don't have a girlfriend. So I come home. And I don't watch TV because TV is stupid. I just sit right down at the dining table and I take out my books and sharpen my pencils and I look at the list of things I have to do and I think, this isn't so bad, what's the big deal? And I think, today will be the day when I finish my homework on time, I'll even finish it before my parents get home, and they won't yell at me and I won't be stressed out, and after dinner I'll listen to some maybe John Coltrane or Santana and I'll go to bed at ten tomorrow.
Auditioners by Doug Rand (female role)
O Romeo, Romeo-I am going to hurt you Romeo.
I was looking forward to Uncle Capulet's party for months! And you said you were going to sneak in to that you could dance with me, if you can remember back that far. Back when you told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and that your eyes were only for me, that you'd die without my smile. It feels like only yesterday you said these things. Oh, wait, that's because it was only yesterday, right before you suddenly decided that my loser cousin Juliet should get every last scrap of your attention.
O Romeo, Romeo-I am going to hurt you Romeo.
I was looking forward to Uncle Capulet's party for months! And you said you were going to sneak in to that you could dance with me, if you can remember back that far. Back when you told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and that your eyes were only for me, that you'd die without my smile. It feels like only yesterday you said these things. Oh, wait, that's because it was only yesterday, right before you suddenly decided that my loser cousin Juliet should get every last scrap of your attention.
Bugs by Tracey Letts (male role)
I got in some trouble ... with the Army. I was stationed at Sakaka ... the Syrian Desert, during the war. The doctors came in and really worked us over, with shots and pills, ostensibly for inoculation, but ... there was something else going on, too. A lot of the guys got sick, vomiting and diarrhea, migraines, blackouts. A couple guys went AWOL. I started having weird thoughts too and feeling ... sick. They starting running all these tests. They had every doctor you could imagine, probing at me, jabbing me, asking me all kinds of weird questions, feeding me more pills. Those doctors were experimenting on me.
I got in some trouble ... with the Army. I was stationed at Sakaka ... the Syrian Desert, during the war. The doctors came in and really worked us over, with shots and pills, ostensibly for inoculation, but ... there was something else going on, too. A lot of the guys got sick, vomiting and diarrhea, migraines, blackouts. A couple guys went AWOL. I started having weird thoughts too and feeling ... sick. They starting running all these tests. They had every doctor you could imagine, probing at me, jabbing me, asking me all kinds of weird questions, feeding me more pills. Those doctors were experimenting on me.
Off the Map by Joan Ackermann (female role)
Oh God no. Charley! Not again, for Christ's sake. Charley! Come out of there! Come out! Now!! Enough! You can't sped another night in there! Charley! Look,you can lock yourself in the bedroom, you cal lock yourself in the chicken house, the pig house, the barn, the car, no not the car and not the outhouse, come out of the outhouse now!! Where do you expect Bo and me to pee! Where do you expect your daughter to pee! We've got a sick boy in the house burning up with a fever, a visitor, the least we should be able to offer him is a decent place to crap!! Now come out! you're being selfish, Charley, selfish, you're just sitting there, listening to me, just sitting there, being selfish and self-indulgent and self-pitying!! I God. (She lies down, flat on her back, crosses her arms over her face. ... Softer.) Charley. I can't take this much more.
Oh God no. Charley! Not again, for Christ's sake. Charley! Come out of there! Come out! Now!! Enough! You can't sped another night in there! Charley! Look,you can lock yourself in the bedroom, you cal lock yourself in the chicken house, the pig house, the barn, the car, no not the car and not the outhouse, come out of the outhouse now!! Where do you expect Bo and me to pee! Where do you expect your daughter to pee! We've got a sick boy in the house burning up with a fever, a visitor, the least we should be able to offer him is a decent place to crap!! Now come out! you're being selfish, Charley, selfish, you're just sitting there, listening to me, just sitting there, being selfish and self-indulgent and self-pitying!! I God. (She lies down, flat on her back, crosses her arms over her face. ... Softer.) Charley. I can't take this much more.
Feather by Claudia Barnett (female role)
Ada grabbed my arm and said it wasn't safe, and I asked her if there was another way to walk. That was when we discovered we were lost. She looked down the road and back at me with a glance that looked like hate but could have been the way the moon caught her eyes, and said we needed to hurry. We walked in silence until we heard a car motor behind us, and Ada tensed again. The car stopped, and before the door even opened, Ada yelled "run". I looked back at the car and saw a man's silhouette emerge.
Ada grabbed my arm and said it wasn't safe, and I asked her if there was another way to walk. That was when we discovered we were lost. She looked down the road and back at me with a glance that looked like hate but could have been the way the moon caught her eyes, and said we needed to hurry. We walked in silence until we heard a car motor behind us, and Ada tensed again. The car stopped, and before the door even opened, Ada yelled "run". I looked back at the car and saw a man's silhouette emerge.
A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare (female role)
Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!
Your eyes are lode-stars; and your tongue's sweet air
More tuneable than lark to shepherd's ear,
When wheat is green, when hawthorn buds appear.
Sickness is catching: O, were favour so,
Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;
My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,
My tongue should catch your tongue's sweet melody.
Were the world mine, Demetrius being bated,
The rest I'd give to be to you translated.
O, teach me how you look, and with what art
You sway the motion of Demetrius' heart.
Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!
Your eyes are lode-stars; and your tongue's sweet air
More tuneable than lark to shepherd's ear,
When wheat is green, when hawthorn buds appear.
Sickness is catching: O, were favour so,
Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;
My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,
My tongue should catch your tongue's sweet melody.
Were the world mine, Demetrius being bated,
The rest I'd give to be to you translated.
O, teach me how you look, and with what art
You sway the motion of Demetrius' heart.
Dottie by Staci Swedeen (female role)
Let me say right at the top that I'm essentially a good person. I know what you're thinking, that I'm self justifying, rationalizing, that any time someone does something as "sneaky and low down, as two faced" as what I've done, "of the D-A, there is no essential goodness" that's where you'd be wrong. That's why I gotta lay it out for you in all the particulars. You'll see that I acted purely out of love, even if I'm now forced to wear this here jumpsuit, unflattering in both style and color.
Red Roses by Lisa Soland (male role)
I don't want my jeans sent to the cleaners. Okay? I want them thrown into the washer then the dryer then folded and put into a regular drawer made out of strong, sturdy, wood. I don't care how much money you're making . I never did anything for the money. There was a time, a very happy time when we had none. I don't want pleats or this stuff. Do you hear me? I've put up with all these little stupid things, these things that somehow make you feel as though you're successful in life because I had the most important thing in life - you. I had you. Now that that's not mine anymore, DON'T PRESS MY JEANS!!!
I don't want my jeans sent to the cleaners. Okay? I want them thrown into the washer then the dryer then folded and put into a regular drawer made out of strong, sturdy, wood. I don't care how much money you're making . I never did anything for the money. There was a time, a very happy time when we had none. I don't want pleats or this stuff. Do you hear me? I've put up with all these little stupid things, these things that somehow make you feel as though you're successful in life because I had the most important thing in life - you. I had you. Now that that's not mine anymore, DON'T PRESS MY JEANS!!!
Bite Me by Nina Mansfield (female role)
So there he is, stunned from the spray. Writhing on the ground like a baby. When WHAM! I hit him with my handbag, and ZANG, got him again with the pepper spray. At that point it was like pure adrenaline! I was on fire! Once I had him subdued I realized the emblem on my Tory Burch handbag is totally cross like, so I held it to his face, and sure enough he was like "Ahhh", and I was like "Take that you creature of the dark," and he was like, "Ahhh" and I was like "that's what you get for attacking women in alleys you scumbag vampire!" And I sprayed him with more pepper spray.
So there he is, stunned from the spray. Writhing on the ground like a baby. When WHAM! I hit him with my handbag, and ZANG, got him again with the pepper spray. At that point it was like pure adrenaline! I was on fire! Once I had him subdued I realized the emblem on my Tory Burch handbag is totally cross like, so I held it to his face, and sure enough he was like "Ahhh", and I was like "Take that you creature of the dark," and he was like, "Ahhh" and I was like "that's what you get for attacking women in alleys you scumbag vampire!" And I sprayed him with more pepper spray.
Blackbird by David Harrower (male role)
There was. For me there was. You were on my mind all the time. I couldn’t get you out. And I gave in. I gave in to it. And it. Everything. Every day was about how I could see you, talk to you. I left work early. I, I’d work on my car on the street. It didn’t need work. I took things apart, put them back together. Just to… The engine was perfect. But I’d… Because you’d be there and we could talk and it was fine. It was in the open and no one thought anything. Your parents. The kids that played there. But it, it wasn’t enough, it. I had to be alone with you. You remember the… the codes… the signals we had to… to meet. To just speak. Talk.
There was. For me there was. You were on my mind all the time. I couldn’t get you out. And I gave in. I gave in to it. And it. Everything. Every day was about how I could see you, talk to you. I left work early. I, I’d work on my car on the street. It didn’t need work. I took things apart, put them back together. Just to… The engine was perfect. But I’d… Because you’d be there and we could talk and it was fine. It was in the open and no one thought anything. Your parents. The kids that played there. But it, it wasn’t enough, it. I had to be alone with you. You remember the… the codes… the signals we had to… to meet. To just speak. Talk.
Curse of the Starving Class by Sam Shepard (male role)
Wesley: I was lying there on my back. I could smell the avocado blossoms. I could hear the coyotes. I could feel myself in my bed in my room in this house in this town in this state in this country. I could feel this country close like it was part of my bones. I could feel the presence of the people outside, at night, in the dark. Even sleeping people I could feel. Even sleeping animals. Dogs. Peacocks. Bulls. Even tractors sitting in the wetness, waiting for the sun to come up.
Wesley: I was lying there on my back. I could smell the avocado blossoms. I could hear the coyotes. I could feel myself in my bed in my room in this house in this town in this state in this country. I could feel this country close like it was part of my bones. I could feel the presence of the people outside, at night, in the dark. Even sleeping people I could feel. Even sleeping animals. Dogs. Peacocks. Bulls. Even tractors sitting in the wetness, waiting for the sun to come up.
Jane Eyre by Christina Calvit based on the novel by Charlotte Bronte (female role)
Jane: I shall find some happiness here, I know... but there are moments when I cannot help but wonder what if...? Supposing I had chosen another path? I might be living now in France as Mr. Rochester's mistress- delirious half the time with his love- for he would- oh, yes, he would have loved me well! But what am I saying? And, more important, what am I feeling? Whether it is better, I ask, to be a slave in a fool's paradise at Marseilles- fevered with delusive bliss one hour- suffocating with both the tears of remorse and shame the next- or to be a village schoolmistress, reliant upon no man, here in the heart of England...?
Jane: I shall find some happiness here, I know... but there are moments when I cannot help but wonder what if...? Supposing I had chosen another path? I might be living now in France as Mr. Rochester's mistress- delirious half the time with his love- for he would- oh, yes, he would have loved me well! But what am I saying? And, more important, what am I feeling? Whether it is better, I ask, to be a slave in a fool's paradise at Marseilles- fevered with delusive bliss one hour- suffocating with both the tears of remorse and shame the next- or to be a village schoolmistress, reliant upon no man, here in the heart of England...?
Sylvia by A. R. Gurney (female role)
Kate: I am not prejudiced, Sylvia. When I was a girl, I read the Albert Payson Terhune dog books cover to cover. I watched Lassie on television. I’m a huge fan of One Hundred and One Dalmatians. When we lived in the suburbs, when the children were around, we had several dogs, and guess who ended up feeding the darn things. But I don’t want a dog now, Sylvia. That is the point. Our last child has gone off to college, and we have moved into town, and dog phase of my life is definitely over. I’ve gotten my Master’s degree, Sylvia, and I have a very challenging teaching job, and frankly I don’t want to worry about animals. So if you’ll excuse me, I will return to the daunting task of planning how to teach Shakespeare in the inner city junior high school.
Kate: I am not prejudiced, Sylvia. When I was a girl, I read the Albert Payson Terhune dog books cover to cover. I watched Lassie on television. I’m a huge fan of One Hundred and One Dalmatians. When we lived in the suburbs, when the children were around, we had several dogs, and guess who ended up feeding the darn things. But I don’t want a dog now, Sylvia. That is the point. Our last child has gone off to college, and we have moved into town, and dog phase of my life is definitely over. I’ve gotten my Master’s degree, Sylvia, and I have a very challenging teaching job, and frankly I don’t want to worry about animals. So if you’ll excuse me, I will return to the daunting task of planning how to teach Shakespeare in the inner city junior high school.
Elephant by Margie Stokley (female role)
Michelle: Hi. My name is Michelle (SHE does a crazy gesture and noise that somehow mocks suicide.) Just kidding. No. Really-thrilled to be here. What do you want to know? What do you want me to say…. (Silence.) Oh, wait, that’s right. This is not a conversation – it’s a session. This is my time to share, with complete strangers how I feel…. Well, I feel like talking about trees. How do you feel about them? Wait. Please, don’t speak…let me. My fascination stems from this one tree. (SHE silently mouths “stems” again to emphasize the irony). Rough Crowed. (A Pause.) Well, it’s gigantic and right outside my bedroom window. Some nights I feel it wants in. Wants in to my perfect pink-and-white-striped room.
Michelle: Hi. My name is Michelle (SHE does a crazy gesture and noise that somehow mocks suicide.) Just kidding. No. Really-thrilled to be here. What do you want to know? What do you want me to say…. (Silence.) Oh, wait, that’s right. This is not a conversation – it’s a session. This is my time to share, with complete strangers how I feel…. Well, I feel like talking about trees. How do you feel about them? Wait. Please, don’t speak…let me. My fascination stems from this one tree. (SHE silently mouths “stems” again to emphasize the irony). Rough Crowed. (A Pause.) Well, it’s gigantic and right outside my bedroom window. Some nights I feel it wants in. Wants in to my perfect pink-and-white-striped room.
Auditioners by Doug Rand (male role)
Words are vibrations that somehow make sense, and if I could only string together the right words, what then would not be possible? If I could string together just the right combination of words, I could make someone laugh - not just a polite smile, but a great rolling spasm of laughter that shakes their body and opens wide their tear ducts and makes them howl with pure joy. To most people on the planet, people who don't happen to speak our language, these words would just be random sounds - but falling on your ears, your mind and your body would respond. With just the right combination, of words, I could make you question your most secret beliefs, or weep uncontrollably, or rededicate your life to a cause you never cared about before. If I could do that, if I could string together that perfect combination of words, and sounds and vibrations...could I make you love me again?"
Words are vibrations that somehow make sense, and if I could only string together the right words, what then would not be possible? If I could string together just the right combination of words, I could make someone laugh - not just a polite smile, but a great rolling spasm of laughter that shakes their body and opens wide their tear ducts and makes them howl with pure joy. To most people on the planet, people who don't happen to speak our language, these words would just be random sounds - but falling on your ears, your mind and your body would respond. With just the right combination, of words, I could make you question your most secret beliefs, or weep uncontrollably, or rededicate your life to a cause you never cared about before. If I could do that, if I could string together that perfect combination of words, and sounds and vibrations...could I make you love me again?"